Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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