i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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