I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
