i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
