youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
