Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
