New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
