Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize