There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I take back everything I said about communal showers
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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