i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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