Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
