How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
