Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
