I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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