...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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