my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
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