I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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