I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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