We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
