Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
