I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
