I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
