Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
