She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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