I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
