dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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