Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
