i don't like sucking hair
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
