Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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