remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
