There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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