you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
