I got chris browned last night
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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