the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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