Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
