What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
