Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
