I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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