remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
