his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
