New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
