Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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