Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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