Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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