I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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