I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
