apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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