Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
