I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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