you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
