the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
