1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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