Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I want to fling myself into the sun
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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