i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i love accidental penises.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
