I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
