I want to walk on stilts...naked
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
