Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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