Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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