i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
